I read a quote from someone the other day that said, “[A]s a rule, boys are simply not growing up as fast as girls.” I’m probably not the best person to ask, but if you did ask me, I’d say that’s pretty accurate.
So I got to thinking, as I often do, about how that accurately describes me too. I’m not growing up all that quickly.
Pastor’s kid/Philosophy major that I am, I had to ask… why?
I came back with one answer. And I’ve already written about that answer twice:
Stereotype it might be, but general truth it is.
Think about those motivations, and think about which one wants to grow up. Actually, before you do that, consider what it means to “grow up.”
Whether it’s true or not, we assume growing up means moving toward stability, responsibility, and security while youth – or not growing up – means motion, adventure, and excitement.
And we assume we can’t have both. So…
Girls want security. Boys want excitement. <<That’s why girls grow up faster than boys.
For a boy to grow up, something has to convince him either that security is better than excitement or that growing up, not youth, is actually more exciting.
That’s el problemo.
I think you’re wrong.
While I do agree that girls grow up faster than boys, I think that’s because we’ve been told our entire lives that we must take care of things. That we don’t have someone (again, generalizing) to pick things up after us. I grew up in a fairly feminist household, but if something was left undone at night, it was my mother and I staying up to clean it. You’d better bet my brother and Dad never lost any sleep over it.
Most girls I know are seeking excitement. But very very many have been told (usually subconsciously) that we can’t get the exciting things we want. Or that the things that should excite us are of the silly makeup/hairspray variety.
Many men I’ve known, mature or not, are much more interested in security than I am and than many of my female friends. They’re more likely to stay at their parents’ houses, to sleep in the same place, to sit and play the same computer games…
“Girls” are also much more likely to travel abroad than boys – pretty adventurous (and having done it twice, not at all secure).
Excellent points… especially here:
“Many men I’ve known, mature or not, are much more interested in security than I am and than many of my female friends. They’re more likely to stay at their parents’ houses, to sleep in the same place, to sit and play the same computer games…”
You’re totally right about that. On top of all the supposed “excitement,” guys are lazy (perhaps another socially influenced trait). That creates an interesting tension of its own.
I think I’ll revise what I said and speak more directly.
Girls want security… in relationships.
Boys want excitement… in relationships.
At least at first. Girls get bored and tired of lameness too, and boys settle down (and arguably that stability is more important for us than you)… but when they’re first looking for relationships (and I’m not just talking about romantic relationships), girls usually want security while boys prefer excitement… or at least the illusion of excitement.
I’ve been known to generalize in the past, though, so maybe this is just me. 🙂
-Marshall Jones Jr.
So what does security in a relationship look like? Marriage? Long-term monogamy?
There’s actually anthropological evidence that women are *pickier* in relationships, if that’s what you’re getting at. (source: Lucy’s Legacy by Allison Jolly) In most cultures around the world women bear more responsiblity for childrearing, not to mention pregnancy is harder than sperm donation, and the amount of effort women put into the relationship that they presume children will come into is greater than that of men. But in (the rare) societies where men are expected to spend as much or more time in childrearing, men spend just as much time finding the “perfect mate.”
But now we have societies growing where children are not a necessary or even likely outcome of romantic relationships, which I believe is changing mate-choosing behavior in both men and women.
As for non-romantic relationships, I don’t see women wanting stability any more than men. I think we focus more on emotional security where as you guys focus more on shared activities. Most men I know have had friends going back for ages, no matter what changes they’ve gone through, because if your friend is someone you go disc-golfing with once a week, it doesn’t matter much that you’ve changed your life philosophy as long as you still like disc-golf. Women’s relationships (at least with other women) often seem more volatile, because they’re less likely to be founded on an activity and more likely to be founded on emotional intimacy.
Unlike my comments about romantic relationships, however, those last were just my perceptions which are probably (okay, certainly) quite flawed.
Those are some excellent thoughts. I think you’re right.
To your questions toward the top, it’s not so much about what the relationships actually turn out to be (I’ve heard that men tend to actually have more trouble with relationship breakups than women… even though we often assume it’s the other way around). It’s the perception about them.
Going into relationships, women tend to look for security… that’s on their mind. Whereas men look for excitement… whether that’s in the activities they pursue together, the physical attractiveness of the other person, or something else.
It’s of course still a generalization but I’d say men, in comparison to women, don’t go into relationships wanting a deep, bonding experience. They just want to golf or whatever. 🙂
-Marshall Jones Jr.